It's Twins

It was January 25th and I knew. I was sitting at the table trying to do my God time and could not for the life of me focus. I finally went upstairs and grabbed the pregnancy test while my 10 month-old and two year-old were distracted. 

Question mark. Literally. That was the answer I got. I was so baffled by that reading and honestly, did not believe it. But went back downstairs and tried to focus again. I sat there praying that I would trust the Lord in this. That whatever the outcome would be, I would be fixed on the author and perfecter of my faith. 

But as it always does, curiosity got the best of me and I got another test out only to see a 'pregnant' stamped on it. I smiled, and then totally freaked out. Sending the picture of the test to my husband, Brock, with no comment added. He called once his meeting was over and was so excited only to hear my detached voice on the other end. He just kept saying, "are you okay?"

I wasn't okay.

We were still very much in a hard season with our 10 month-old...just a small thing of him not wanting to sleep through the night.  Now what I mean when I say "not sleeping" is him screaming at the top of his lungs (and he is LOUD). Yes, we are schedule people. Yes, we would make him cry it out. No, we didn't let him get a bottle when we would wake up. It didn't matter with Trey. We couldn't figure him out and I wasn't ready to not sleep for another two years! Plus this would mean (what I thought) three kids three and under! 

It was unexpected and outside of "my timing". I felt thrown off, unprepared, and guilty for not being more excited for this life that God had entrusted to me. 

Fast forward to February 22.  Our first appointment. Brock ended up coming with me because physically I felt miserable. Not to mention I had recently gotten a negative pregnancy test and another positive. We were both pretty convinced something was wrong. Brock couldn't sleep the night before our appointment and spent most of the night praying over my body. I tend to just not think about things that I have no control over, so we went into the appointment anticipating the worst. 

Ultrasound is first. And as soon as the tech started moving it around my belly I saw them. The two sacs. I think I stopped breathing then and didn't take my eyes off of her. I couldn't figure out why she wasn't saying anything until...

"Well, I needed to make sure I could see the heart beats, but you're having twins."

Instantly I started shaking. My entire body. Uncontrollable. Not being able to take my eyes off the screen as the tech then listened to their beating hearts. Brock just laughed, kissed my hand, laughed some more. My first thought was, "How the heck am I supposed to carry in four kids three and under by myself to church?!" His first thought, "That's four kids in college at the same time!"  Typical, right?

As we went through the rest of the appointment I know I looked like a deer in headlights because I was continually being consoled. Truly nothing but fear was racing through my mind.  

After we got home I continued to process and the Lord brought to mind Isaiah 55:8, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD." I had to declare that over myself because the minute I didn't, my mind would fill with all the 'what if's' and how inadequate I was to do this. 

But it's when we are weak that He can make us strong, is it not? I am fully confident that I will not be able to do this without the Lord leading me every single step of the way. He convicted Brock and I that HE is the giver and taker of life. Sometimes, you don't get to tell Him when you will and won't have a baby, or two. It took me awhile to share our twin news, (like 16 weeks!) mainly because I wanted to be able to share it with full confidence in the Lord. But it forced me to praise Jesus for his sovereignty, and to be humble to what He was about to teach us during this next season.