Review Mirror
We were at a stop light on the way to church when I looked up in my rearview mirror and saw Trey looking right at me with his big cheesy smile. I glanced over to see Casen smiling and talking to the twins as I heard them laughing at him. I smiled and thankfulness filled my heart, “Thank you Lord for peace in this moment but more importantly what you’ve done in my soul.”
A few weeks earlier, around the seven month mark, I was in the twins room feeding them for bed. I was staring off as Brock came in to check on me. I looked up at him and said, “I haven’t thought I hated it this week.” I was filled with so much contentment and gratefulness to the Lord.
You see, around the three month mark I had hit my breaking point. It was the week of my birthday, and for about two days I just cried (poor Brock). I was struggling with the unasked circumstances of my life. I was fighting to find joy in it but couldn’t seem to grasp it. I read a lot about the risk of postpartum depression that can happen with twins—it truly is double the hormones. My girlfriend popped over one day and I asked her, “Do you think I’m depressed?” She responded with, “You’re not depressed, you’re just sad!”
I was sad. This isn’t what I pictured for my life. I struggled with why the Lord would give me two babies at once who were both fussy. Who wouldn’t nap. Who didn’t sleep at the same time during the night no matter how hard I tried to keep a schedule. Breastfeeding hurt with them. And there wasn’t a moment of quiet in my day. There were days I would force myself to say, “Jesus really does loves me” because Satan was screaming the opposite in my head.
I was continually convicted that many women struggling to conceive would love to have four children. Convicted that I was actually thinking I hate this! I knew I didn’t actually, but I loathed that those thoughts would come flooding in the heat of a moment. I deeply love Casen, Trey, Ayden and Elle and didn’t want to know life without them. So why couldn’t I be grateful? Why couldn’t I just suck it up and move on? There was an internal battle going on, and I was determined to fight. I knew these thoughts weren’t from the Lord but from the enemy.
When friends would ask how they could pray; I normally asked them to pray I would display the fruit of the Spirit in my day. I wanted my kids to see fruit in me. I knew the Lord called me to have four kids in three years and I also knew He was able to equip me for what each day brought. I want to bring Him glory in the mundane.
So that day in the rocking chair was monumental for me. Instead of dwelling on my shortcomings of the day or the chaos that had happened earlier I was filled with contentment. It wasn’t because my circumstances had changed but because God was transforming my heart. It was a testament to answered prayer and the work the Lord had done in myself. Thank you Jesus! As Brock and I talked more about it that night I laughed saying it was sad it took me almost seven months to accept my new normal.
These two verses have often come to mind.
Galatians 5:16-26 says, “But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.”
James 4: 1-8 says, “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”? But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.”
It was only by the grace of God that He brought me out of my dissatisfaction. Only through his love did I see the real battle going on within me. I’m thankful I kept talking to God, even if it wasn’t always praiseworthy. He could handle it. It’s when you stop talking that you should be concerned. It’s when you become so internal and in your head that Satan is winning. Don’t stop friends. Keep fighting to display Jesus in your mundane. He really does draw near to you when you really are drawing near to him. And we draw near for nothing else but Jesus himself.
That’s where I was failing and why it took seven months to get to a better place. I kept wanting and praying for my circumstances to change… the twins to sleep, be less fussy, the boys to stop always fighting, for more worth and validation in being “just a mom”. So much of that is just life and the only way to have joy in your life is being totally in love with Jesus himself.
As I sit here with Casen not napping (once again) and needing all the things, while my ten-month twins and Trey boy are actually asleep, I’m so grateful I’ve accepted my crazy. More importantly than just accepting the new crazy is this: I’ve met with Jesus in a deeper way than I had prior to the twins being born.
“Let my soul be at rest again, for the Lord has been good to me.” Psalm 116:7